no.40 - Dr. Michael Salzhauer
Cosmetic surgeon "Dr." Michael Salzhauer has written a children's book called "My Beautiful Mommy" which explains to young children how their ugly mommies can look "more beautiful than before" through the magic teddy bear of plastic surgery. (That's how it's depicted on the cover.) If there was ever a more appropriate title to be published by a vanity press, I've never heard of it. Parents purchasing this book may need to skip over the portions of other children's books which suggest you like yourself the way you are, which is probably for the best as these older books do not coordinate well with television, advertising or with Salzhauer's wallet.
The book explains that "Mommy" needs to have her bumpy nose fixed and, while she's at it, she is going to get her tummy tucked because it got all messed up having a kid.
The child in the book does not appear ask the question I would have asked under the circumstances; "Can Dr. Salzhauer give me some extra arms?"(Spiderman had it done.)
Dr. Salzhauer feels he is doing this for the good of large-nosed, little-boobed mommies everywhere. Others may disagree, but I for one don't believe he has written this book to cash in from book sales or to get his name out in front of a gullible, insecure, flabby-middled public. No, I think he wrote it so he could justify to himself his idiotic, dangerous and predatory profession. This is a self-published vanity pressing.
Nevertheless, I have some suggestions for "Dr."Michael Salzhauer's future publishing career:- My Botched Mommy
- Free to be... anyone but you
- Timmy Tummy Tuck and his Super Stomach Stapler
- Mommy's immobile face still loves you: The Polar Expression
- Mommy's giant rack is not for baby
- The Blubber Battle Book
I also wish Dr. Salzhauer luck with his multiple forthcoming surgeries which will transform him from looking like a sallow faced dweeb-eyed shmuck to the muscle-bound pinhead he is portrayed as in the book. I don't know what is involved, but I am sure he will explain it with grace, tact and dignity to the four young children he careful mentions in his every press release.As a final note, I must applaud Vic Guiza for what I can only assume was his secret attempt to sabotoge "Dr." Salzhauer's book. Vic's abominable, charmless, incompetently rendered and muddy-colored illustrations must be the work of someone who hated every soul-crushing moment working on the book. The "publisher" notes Vic has won the " Dragon Pencil Gold Medal of Honor for best illustrated children's book in 2007" an honor bestowed upon only a handful of illustrators hired to illustrate books by the Dragon Pencil book company. I can only assume an artist of this high merit choose to make it look like the book was outsourced to Mexico for cheap labor.
Labels: "Michael Salzhauer", "My Beautiful Mommy", Botox
posted by Katsoulis | 8:46 PM
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Looking like a villain out of the old Dick Tracy comics, Lara Flynn
Ms. Flynn Boyle's face looked like a puffy bag of poorly administered injections. Her lips would have looked more natural if she had bought a wax pair and held them between her teeth. Her forehead and cheeks were nearly immobile, like a stroke victim's. She could barely speak, let alone act. I started to feel bad because, perhaps she had suffered a stroke or was on steroids for some unknown medical condition.
The one ray of hope? She appeared to have put on a little weight, which she desperately needs. Unfortunately when I saw the two little pencils she was hobbling along on, and the prominent display of ribs and vertebrae in the unfortunate and strangely gratuitous bikini scene, I realized she isn't any healthier - she just has a few extra pounds of botulism in her face.
As the episode itself dragged on two things became clear. The first was that the writers of Law & Order are no longer content to rip their stories from a single headline. I'm sure it's boring for them and it would now appear they must rip two headlines and put them together at random. In this case they stitched together Michael Vick's dogfighting and fake vintage wine. There was a third "theme" about whorey reporters, but I don't think this was taken from the news.
The second thing that was clear was that the writers can't stand Lara Flynn Boyle. Maybe they resent having to write lines for a faceful of mumbling Botox, but they took every possible opportunity to humiliate her, at one point having a theoretically respectable DA refer to her as a "lying slut" and, of course, writing in a completely unnecessary scene that required her to strip down to a bikini and slide her bony ass into a hot tub while two police watched from a conveniently placed rooftop nearby. In the end her character collapses into a quivering heap, realizing the consequence of her terrible, terrible sluttiness.
The thing that disturbs me most is that I now share at least some of the writers' distaste. They, and I, should clearly feel pity for a woman who must be oblivious to any of this. Does she have any friends? Couldn't someone suggest to her that maybe she stop putting collagen and botulism in her face? Maybe over dinner? Please?